Melancholy Laughter

I just found out through reading one of my bro's emails that Mitch Hedberg, comedian extraordinaire, passed away in March. It's a sad blow to be dealt, because he was just a funny guy, plain and simple; his jokes and the way he delivered them. Not to mention that at those oh-not-so-funny moments, he wasn't afraid to call himself out with a, "man, that didn't make any sense at all!" On that note, I find myself thinking about him, but immediately smiling because, well, try not to smile while reading these and you'll see what I mean:

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people were at my show.